I originally wrote the below as a private journal entry, and it began life as a stream-of-consciousness entry. These things don’t always make a lot of sense for anyone outside of my head, but I thought I’d take a moment to share it, regardless.
In this moment I struggle with my motivation. Everything feels as if the amount of effort required is crushing. I feel like each step is so long and drawn out and by the time I get to the next one, I have no idea where I am going. Was I foolish to think that I could right myself one time and then continue on in that particular state of being? Did I not think that I would continue to change and evolve and that sometimes life would direct me in ways that I could not have imagined, perceived as both positive and negative, forward and backward?
How does this change the way that I feel about my goals and desires? How does my journey influence my feelings toward where I might be headed and my desire to get there? I have observed that setbacks affect me terribly. As a sensitive individual, these setbacks, even minor, are felt so extensively, so deeply, and sometimes to the core. I have allowed them to rock me intensely, allowing these temporary moments to win and to shut me down. These sometimes minor, sometimes major, but always surmountable emotional triggers too often cause me to unnecessarily question my direction.
I oft think to sit and reconsider my goals and my plans to achieve them. I consider what level of energy and commitment is required, and if these things are what I genuinely desire. I infrequently actually engage in this practice, resulting in feelings of self-letdown. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.
I don’t need to change my goals when the terrain of my travel changes. There are many paths to reaching the place I desire to be. What I should value the most, is the journey I am on, and the present moment that I am in. There is a special feeling in reaching back in my memories to consider the distance I have come, and to ruminate what might come next, measuring my progress with a critical, yet gentle mind, enjoying the process of becoming — but this is not the spotlight. The focal point is here and now, this present moment, the current feeling; recognizing what comes to the surface and allowing, rather than being overwhelmed; greeting each thought, feeling and judgement with kindness and peace. The rest will unfold organically.
But what of the times when the place I desire to be might change? Is this losing my focus? Is it a reassessment? I want to continue to assess my end goals, but I should not give up on my dreams — the strength of my desire for my dreams may wax and wane, but my dreams remain intact. Perhaps what should be continually assessed are the steps to reach my goals — one at a time, and as needed. There is no reason to overwhelm myself.
Perhaps my true goal is to be happy, in this moment, here and now.